From People-Pleasing to Boundaries: A Comedy of Errors

Growing up, I thought feelings were just those things actors did in movies. In my house, you had two options: “fine” and “fine, I guess.” Expressing emotions was as welcome as leaving the fridge door open for too long—met with a disapproving sigh and a reminder that no one likes a complainer.

By the time I hit adulthood, I was an Olympic-level people-pleaser. Need me to stay late at work? Sure! Want me to help you move a couch up three flights of stairs? Absolutely! Emotionally unavailable partner who needs constant validation but offers none in return? Sign me up! My self-worth was about as sturdy as a Jenga tower in the final round.

And then—cue dramatic music—I found therapy. It started with a simple question from my therapist: “How do you feel about that?”

I panicked. Feel? What was that? Like…physically? Hungry? Tired? She patiently explained that emotions were real, and plot twist: my needs actually mattered. Mind. Blown.

With time, I learned words like boundaries and self-worth and—this was a big one—"No." It turns out, saying “no” didn’t make me a bad person, just a person with an actual backbone. Relationships got healthier. My anxiety levels dropped. I stopped saying yes to things that made me want to scream into a pillow.

Now? I’m thriving. If someone tries to guilt me into something, I just smile and say, “That doesn’t work for me.” And let me tell you, the first time I said that, I felt like a superhero.

So if you’re out there still people-pleasing your way through life, let me tell you—it’s exhausting. And there’s a better way. Start here with learning about boundaries…and maybe a good set of noise-canceling headphones for when people don’t like your new boundaries.